Physician, Heal Not Thyself
by BelovedOne
Summary: A man returns to comfort those left behind by circumstances that were out of his control. SPOILERS FOR SUNDAY


**Title:** **"Physician, Heal Not Thyself"  
****Author:** _BelovedOne  
_**Rating:** PG-13  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category:** General, Angst  
**Status:** Completed  
**Chapter:** 1/1  
**Spoilers:** GIANT ONE for "Sunday" – Seriously, DO NOT read if you haven't sent eh episode, and don't want to know what happens.  
**Warnings:** SPOILER (see above), Major Character Death  
**Summary:** A healer returns after his untimely death to offer solace to his friends, caring for them in death just as he did in life.  
**Disclaimer:** _Stargate Atlantis_ does not belong to me. However, there is an alternate universe in which it is mine – it's really easy to figure out which one's mine, you see, 'coz John and Elizabeth are deeply involved in a very romantic relationship, Teyla and Ronon are together, and Sedge is in Atlantis with her owner, like she _should_ be. That's right, there's a _dog_ in Atlantis. Why? 'Coz I said so. Oh, and Carson Beckett is still alive and kickin' and Elizabeth is NOT being reduced to a damn "recurring character."  
**Author's Note:** Another idea that just struck me out of the blue. And here I thought I'd get bed _early_, but nooooo. My imagination had to go and throw this out at me at midnight. MIDNIGHT. I swear to God, it doesn't know how to tell time. Anyway, it's now 1AM, and I am wiped. Long weekend… ((yawn)) … very tired … ((yawn)) … must … sleep … ((YAAAAAWN)) ...

………

_Last chance to avoid major spoilers – if you haven't seen Sunday, and don't want it to be spoiled for you, hit the "Back" button NOW. I only wish I had heeded that same warning. ;)_

………

**Physician, Heal Not Thyself **

Carson Beckett felt no pain as he died.

There was only heat – a massive wave of it, and then nothingness.

When awareness returned, his first memory would be that of a soft, sweet voice. Next, the vision of a beautiful face – oval-shaped, lightly tanned skin, blemish-free complexion, large chocolate eyes, and waves of reddish-brown hair that fell to just past her shoulders. There was a sense of familiarity with this woman, but he couldn't place her – she wasn't Lantean, that was for sure; he would've remembered her – perhaps someone he'd worked with in the past?

As she drew back, he could see that she wore a cream sleeveless sundress that brushed the top of her bare feet. Dainty toes peeked out from beneath the hem, displaying splashes of cherry-red polish. This oddity snagged his attention until the woman touched his shoulder lightly, bringing his gaze back to her face. Her eyes were warm, her touch gentle, and her entire outward appearance projected a peacefulness he found himself craving.

"Welcome," she said. He thought he detected the slightest trace of a southern accent; the information was filed away for later consideration. "How are you feeling?"

Finally finding his own voice, he replied, "Considering I'm usually on the other side of that question, I'm quite well, thank you."

Her eyes sparkled with amusement. "I said the same thing when I first got here."

"Really?" He looked around, seeing nothing but white. "And where is 'here,' exactly?"

"You've ascended. You're… where ascended people go."

He raised an eyebrow. "Is that the technical term for it?"

She mock-scowled at him. "You, my friend, spent far too much time with John Sheppard and Rodney McKay before you died."

"Aye, tha' I did." He frowned as the sensation of knowing this woman somehow returned, niggling at the edge of his consciousness. "Wha's yeh're name, lass?"

"Janet. And you're Carson, right?"

"Tha's right." His focus turned inward as he racked his brain for any memory of that name. Suddenly, his eyes widened. "Janet Fraiser! You worked at Stargate Command!"

Janet nodded. "Yup." She grinned. "And I've been elected to be your welcoming committee, so… welcome."

He laughed. "Well, thank yeh very much, love. I think I'm goin' ta like it here." His good humor faded a little. "But wha' abou' my friends? Can I… can I see them?"

She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. "You can visit, from time to time. I do." A mischievous glint lit up her eyes. "I even play pranks on 'em once in a while."

"Oh, really? Wha' kind of pranks?"

Janet grinned. "That all comes later. Right now, there's something you need to see." She grabbed his hand and dragged him forward. He stumbled a few steps, and looked up to find himself on Atlantis. He stood in the Gatrium, right beside a casket with a Scottish flag draped over it. He looked out over the crowd that was gathered; at the front were John, Rodney, Ronon, Radek, Major Lorne, Dr. Lewis, and even Teyla, bless her heart. He was startled when someone behind him began to speak, and he whirled around to find Elizabeth standing stoically in the center of the room, unshed tears glistening in her eyes.

His heart ached with the knowledge that it was his death that was causing his friends' pain, and he looked over to see a very solemn Janet watching the diplomat.

He turned back to Elizabeth, and found that he could see a faint light surrounding her. Looking around at all of his friends, he realized that each of them was emitting a sort of… aura, for lack of better word.

He turned a questioning look on his guide.

"You're seeing their innermost emotions. Whatever their soul is experiencing is expressed in the color – or colors – that surround them. Beautiful, isn't it?"

"It's lovely," he said in amazement, once more taking in the light around Elizabeth Weir.

It was a dark, murky color, like every color in a paint palate mixed together. He knew without asking that this meant she was in an extreme state of emotional distress, though she showed almost no outward signs of it. This was the Elizabeth he knew – trying so hard to be so very strong for her people, hiding her grief lest she be seen as weak and emotion-driven.

Reaching out, he let his hand hover just millimeters from her cheek, and was surprised when she paused, mid-sentence, her eyes sliding past him as she seemed to search for something. He knew what she was looking for, and now concentrated his energy on her right hand, as if he were physically holding it. She shuddered slightly, and then the dissonance of colors seemed to ease a little, along with some of her pain. She resumed speaking, her voice stronger and more powerful than before.

Carson smiled.

He looked to his other friends.

John, with a soft red anger mixed with thin filaments of black grief that were steadily creeping in. Carson "touched" his shoulder, watching as the thickening lines retreated a little.

Ronon, a molten scarlet with turbulent waves of black. A whisper of his fingertips over the warrior's heart calmed the chaos within.

Teyla, a serene sky-blue nearly overshadowed by streaks of ebony and the kaleidoscope of colors associated with both physical and psychological pain. He made the motion of resting his forehead against hers, and she smiled imperceptibly. She'd felt him.

Marcus Lorne and Nina Lewis were nearly identical charcoal grays, sadness etched into their features. In each, there was a hint of violet – guilt? He brushed their hands with his, reassuring them of their lack of guilt in this.

Rodney – Good Lord, what a mess! The man was pulsing, the deepest black dotted with bits of red, great splashes of vivid purple, large patches of burgundy that spoke of intense sadness, a grapefruit-sized lonely brown, and at the very edges, like a delicate lace trim, was the pink-white beginnings of hope. Reaching deeper, Carson got the sense that Rodney truly believed that they would meet again, if only subconsciously. Carson mimed squeezing his best friend's shoulder, eyeing the troubled man as the white spiked a little while his facial expression remained the same. From within him, a little squirt of relieved silver joined the myriad of colors surrounding him. Carson knew he would need to come back to Rodney later, when he was alone.

Carson moved on, connecting with each and every person in the room, leaving everyone in attendance just a little less sad.

He listened with delight as the bagpipes started up, and he watched in awe as John, Rodney, Ronon, Radek, Nina, and Marcus stepped forward to lift his casket from the platform it rested on. Then, they carried his body back to Earth.

**Finis**

**AN2:** Please review and tell me what you think! I wanted to give Carson a good send-off, to soothe my own ruffled feathers, and I thought that perhaps it might help a few others, too. Coming back to check on his friends and offer them a little comfort seemed like something the Carson Beckett we all knew and loved would do. The man dedicated his life to saving others, and was a sweet, kind, compassionate man. I sincerely believe that that would carry on, even in death.

_This story is dedicated to Paul McGillion, who gave us nearly three wonderful years as the delightful Doctor Carson Beckett, with his sense of humor, his vast store of patience, and his sexy Scottish brogue. After all, who **doesn't** love a man with an accent, even if it is just a TV character?_

**AN3:** Anyone who's been wondering where I've been hiding out should probably know that I've had a ton of crap going on in my Real Life lately. My kitten has some minor health problems, I'm still dealing with my own issues from the sudden loss of my aunt two months ago, and one of her kids spent the weekend with me, leaving me feeling kinda wiped out. I dunno... I'm feeling kind of numb right now, I guess. Just one of those days. And work is proving to be a bit more challenging than I'd expected... something about limited storage space and too many damn boxes coming in -- the equations just don't work. Small Room + Large Boxes Even Smaller Room. Really. You can't even walk into the back storage room right now, it's so bad. And I can't go pulling the huge boxes out and spreading their contents out on the floor, because customers don't think it looks very pretty. And prettiness is a big factor. ((nods)) Not to mention that I don't have a key to the _other_ storage room, which is really starting to get to me. And I get to stay for several extra hours this evening, after the store has closed, WITHOUT PAY because my boss is a little twitchy about overtime, and enter the new inventory into the system, along with barcoding everything. And checking the shipments to make sure everything's there. So yeah, work's been a little annoying lately. But it brings in the money, which I desperately need to make rent until my own business picks up a little. So, now that I've vented -- thanks for listening, all of you -- I'll let you go and review, if you fell like it. It'd be much appreciated.  
Oh, and one other thing -- I've been really down ever since I found out Carson died and Elizabeth will be reduced to a "recurring character." That's very likely contributing to the off-days I've been having. sniffles Poor Carson. And poor Lizzie.  
I love you all, and I hope you'll help in the fight to bring Carson and Lizzie back in full force! Thanks to everyone here on for being a lifeline for me in my times of need. You've no idea how much your support of my writing has truly meant to me.

Much Love,  
_BelovedOne_


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